It’s 4 p.m. on a Sunday afternoon. You went home alone in a taxi on a Saturday night for the 3rd consecutive weekend in a row and watched your coupled friends affectionately frolic off into the night sky through the cabs rear view mirror. You’ve just completed brunch with two of your girls and on your walk home you’ve passed over a dozen hand held couples doing fitness together, cradling their dog like a child and coyly squabbling in the frozen foods section about whose turn it is to select the ice cream. You’ve got a longing. You’ve got an itch that needs to be scratched. So you dip one spoon deep into a tub of ice cream, let the dialogues of a television omnibus become your soundtrack and launch yourself into the abyss of Grindr and Scruff again.

56 profiles are launched before your eyes and are ranked in accordance to their geographic proximity to your current location.  Every thumbnail is an array of torso’s, underwear shots and selfies. Some expose a sense of character, others exude an intriguing sense of style and some are charged, packaged and ready to be erect and in your bedroom within five minutes. A message notification distracts your judgement.

AB…. BJ: Hi

The Spectacular Now (ME): Hey man, how’s your weekend been?

AB…BJ: Looking?        

The Spectacular Now: What you’re watching the new HBO show? Is it good?

AB…BJ: Uncut and hung. You into wired?

The Spectacular Now: Not really…I’ve been a slut for amyl in the past though.

AB…BJ: Cock pic?

The Spectacular Now: Not a fan. My pics are pretty PGR.

AB…BJ: Body? Are you bottom?

The Spectacular Now: I’m more an if its right, its right, kinda guy.

AB…BJ: (Insert Throbbing Hard Cock Picture)

AB…BJ: (Insert Extreme Close Up of Stretched Arse In A Jock Strap)

AB…BJ: (Insert Dick Meeting A Bottom Courting A Cock Ring)

The Spectacular Now: Impressive….

AB…BJ: You’d bottom for it then? Free now?

The Spectacular Now: C comes after B in my alphabet and D stands more for date than deep throating.

AB…BJ: Have fun fucking your pillow. TEASE!

We’ve all got different reasons for using a mobile dating app. Some like to play, some want to date. Some are in a relationship and playing with others is less of a betrayal than cheating on their partner. Others just want raw, dirty and wet instant gratification. Sometimes if we’re lonely and hungover enough on a Sunday our judgement, morals and reasoning for having a dating app will erode in an instant and after ten flirtatious message notifications, we’ll find our nasal passages snorting a bottle of amyl like Nigella Lawson in her dressing room pre-show. We’ll let go of our inhibitions and accept the now for what it is and find ourselves sandwiched between two overly muscled men. Men who are not our type in terms of a significant other, but who in this moment with their lips lashing against ours and their erect cocks rubbing against our briefs. Are much more satisfying than sitting at home watching a Kate Hudson film and contemplating how much of a cowboy Mathew McConaughey really is behind closed doors.

Whether you use a dating app or live vicariously through your single friends Grindr, Tinder or Scruff antics. One thing you should accept before passing judgement is this. Successful and very attractive single woman use tinder. Highly intellectual men with chest hair who would rather sink pints and hang out with straight men, scruff it up too and for some highly closeted young gay men. The ones who are terrified of what they stand for as a gay man but know they’re nothing like those queens from Glee. Grindr is actually a far more informative educator than their high school sex education teacher.

So whether you’re concerned about your friends dating app frivolities, curious about adding a few grinds into your sex life or have no shame in saying that you met your partner on Scruff at your union. Here are a few grinds to keep in mind when thumbnail shopping for your next conquest, experience or potential husband.

Grind #1: Pecks, packages and positions matter

It’s a cold reality but a dating app isn’t a bar. This means a guy doesn’t need to buy you a drink to get your attention. He doesn’t need to impress your friends and he doesn’t need to court you either. If he wants to be frank and straight to the point he can. He’ll ask you for more pictures on the third message, you’ll get to see what you may be digesting when third base rolls around on his forth message and if you’re not hung or submissive enough for him. He might void you before you get to tell him what a cock he is.  This behaviour may seem a little abrasive and pretty offensive initially, but the savvier you get with your app of choice, the easier it will become. Pretty soon you’ll find yourself throwing out witty comebacks to their loathsome notifications and every once in a while the pecks, package and position, although sleazy in approach, might be just the right fix for your yearnings. In short treat a dating app like a high school party with better-developed men. One where the more you consume the wiser you’ll be at deflating the egos of those you’d rather remain in your phone screen.

Grind #2: Looking and fucking is a prerogative

A dating app is a market place, which means like a fruit stand or factory outlet sale you can search for the special you want and put a label on your shopping needs. If you want sex now you can put it in your caption. If you want play with more than one person you can highlight this desire. If you’d prefer no Asians you can say so and even subtly address this preference with a few adjectives like “not racist, they’re just not my thang”. If you’re interested in wired fun, underwear play and leather stimulation each of these entrees can be addressed in your profile too. This may seem a little confronting to the naïve eye for the grinder alert. But it’s a part of love in the dating app era that you need to quickly accustom yourself too. Besides you’ll quickly learn that knowing a guy injects himself with GHB and would prefer to be spanked with a leather paddle than have his nipples sucked. Is a far better alternative than finding yourself in a leather harness sling when a guy invited you over for a sensual hang at his place. I guess the important thing is to assess whether his desires compliment yours and to be open to the possibility that while a guy may prefer certain kinks. This guy may even be able to take you on an amazing nonchalant date and he may just open you up to a world of arousing sensations that you never knew could get you to certain levels of heightened stimulation too.

Grind #3: Dating Dialogue Beyond The Keyboard

Dating apps aren’t all a battlefield of cock pics and guys seeking stimulation over romance. Many guys are registered on these applications for the purpose of dating and you’ll go on a series of unique, interesting and memorable dates beyond the realms of the gridded thumbnails in your smart phone. The problem is some guys are very good at representing themselves in written form and others can’t construct more than fifty characters of witty dialogue to save themselves. On the flipside beyond the mask of a phone app some guys will be able to represent everything you want and are yearning for in a potential partner via their phone keyboard, but will verbally stumble and fall upon every utterance in person. Then theirs the guys that intrigue you, the ones that you have long in-depth dialogues with over a series of weeks who are capable of bringing smirks to your dial through their prose. But who when you finally do catch up and organise a date of epic proportions fall flat. Not because they’re unattractive, not because they lied or are nothing like the person you thought they’d be either. But because for some reason what you had in those moments of conversion via Scruff just doesn’t translate in reality. This realisation is a little sad, but at the same time it’s better to know one date in than to discover it three months into a relationship with them.

Grind #4: Partnered But Experimental

Reality #1 of the dating app etiquette is that people in relationships use Grindr, Scruff and Tinder and continue to live a life together outside of their bedroom dancing with other men. Some choose to seek play and connection as a pair; others go solo but attach no meaning to the relations other than stimulation and gratification without the exchanging of numbers post ejaculation.  For many this works, for many relationships their bond is strong enough for a dating app to not create a rift between what they have and what they experienced with an extra playmate. But then like any threesome there are times when you’ll find yourself in the home of a couple yet transfixed on the intensity of being with one of the partnership and less than satisfied with the sensations of their partner. Their partner will have all eyes on you and you will be exploring every crevice of each other like pubescent schoolboys. But then you’ll look over at their boyfriend and see the blankness in his eyes as he sees the pleasure you are both getting and watches a fragment of them slip away or witnesses something he can’t give his lover anymore transpiring before him. I guess whether you’re in a partnership and introducing a dating application into your bedroom or you’re a single who enjoys playing with more than one. You must consider that humans are innate beings and sexual pleasure is one of the most organic experiences one can have. This means that you never know how two people will react to one another and how seeing the one you love in adulterated sexual ecstasy with another person, will affect you until it happens. So if you’re the guest in a partnership know when its time to say your goodbyes and when you decide to invite another to share your sheets, be prepared to feel uncomfortable but willing to tell your partner if you don’t wish to have a repeat performance unfold in your bedroom.

Grind #5: Fifty Shades Of An STI Clinic

Globally the number of sexually transmitted infections is at an all time high. The number of newly diagnosed HIV positive infections in Australia alone rose by 10 percent in the past year too. The general assumption about this increase in infections is that people are abandoning condoms again and going back to cracking a woody like the Woodstock days, unprotected and all natural. This is a possibility but the other major factor that people are neglecting to consider is that dating apps and their integration into peoples daily lives are allowing people to have sex with a lot more people than in the hay day of traditional internet dating and teenage MSN messenger flirtations. People ready for sex are at our fingertips and if they’ve got their phone GPS turned on we even know just how conveniently close their torso is to our semi hard cock. Global brands like Durex are beginning to introduce preventives like the Blackbook app accompaniment to Grindr to assist in the awareness of regular sexual health checks. But the reality of the situation is that an STI clinic still has the same stigma that it had a decade ago and as for our GP’s well some of them are still less than well versed on STI etiquette and avoid medicating until the outcome of our suspicious itch or urine pain comes back on paper. So where do we go from here and how do we use a dating app without contracting the clap? Simple we start talking about it. It’s easier said than done, but if we start having more open dialogues about our battles with STI’s, start asking our GP for a check up every time we visit and begin to talk with our mates about the STI we recently found out we had before beginning a relationship with our McDreamy and now have to inform him about. The dialogue will just start to get easier and this ease will slowly but surely spread beyond the mouths of our networks and into the networks of sexually active people on a global scale. After all a topless guy with a fire in his crutch on a billboard has little impact, but people sharing their story about an STI in the generation where individual voices and social networks make an impact, well that could become a positive viral phenomenon.

Personally when it comes to applications like Grindr and Scruff sometimes I use them, sometimes I avoid them for seasons. Sometimes my straight friends have more fun turning on my Scruff in a bar and seeing which queens are sharing the dance floor with us than I do and sometimes these dating apps are a huge distraction on my weekend’s productivity. From my forays into love in the mobile app age I have less set expectations than I initially did. But I do prefer a guy for sex, brunch and laughter too rather than a cock, cum and run scenario. I also like collisions with people in general and enjoying the moments for what they are when they’re happening. But still find drawn out foreplay and witty conversation a lot more appealing than a dick in my mouth.

Yet I think the one thing that everyone using a dating app needs to understand is that we’re living in the age of instant gratification. We want news instantly, love instantly and live in an increasing throw away society. One in which we throw away information and relationships as fast as we receive and make them. We’re impatient and we think we’re entitled to more than anything we receive. Scruff, Grindr and Tinder fulfil these needs and will continue to reward us with unforgettable sex, memorable connections and may just become the comic anecdote at our 30th anniversary with Mr Right. But like any technological advancement they need to be accepted for what they are and used for the purpose they serve for us. If this purpose has a negative impact on our wellbeing or could possibly harm the wellbeing of someone else. Then its probably better that we sign out now before we loose ourselves or someone we love in 10 Grindr messages.

Written by Samuel Elliot Snowden

Join the conversation! 1 Comment

  1. This is brilliant! Very informative and entertaining.


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About samuelelliotsnowden

Digital creative by day, frolicker of Fitzroy and crafter of narratives in 12 point-courier fonts by night, fond of quirky adventures with strangers & blogging.


20 something, 30 something, 5 ways to live more, accepting illness, adultry, auckland, Bear Sex, change, creative writing, Dating, dreams, drinking culture, embracing life, encounters, everyones waiting, facebook, Fag Hag, Failure, fate, fitness, Fitzroy, Flatmates, friends, Gay Dating, gay love, Gay Sex, GIRLS HBO, goodbyes, Grindr, happiness, heartbreak, heathier living, Hello Mr, holding the man, imagination, instagram, Karangahape Road, Lena Durnham, living, love, love lost, marriage, McDreamy, melbourne, melbourne blog, melbourne writer, Mens Health, Mental Health, Mobile App, Mobile App Dating, moving on, nesting, New Zealand, new zealand writer, One night stand, parenting, Pride of Stride, samuel elliot snowden, saturn return, scandel, screenwriting, Scruff, Sex & The City, Shared Living, social media, social media education, strangers, the most fun you can have dying, Tinder, Uncategorized, Walk of Shame


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